Who the Hell Is This Chick and Why Should I Read Her?

According to the Guys in Suits Who Research Stuff, I have exactly 3.2 seconds to grab your attention before you walk away and shun me forever. (Bit of a whore, aren’t you? Damn, this would be soooo much easier if we were in a bar and I could slip a roofie in your drink.)

Here’s some random crap about me:

I grew up between Portland and Vancouver and couldn’t wait to get the hell out of here. I moved to Nashville after college. That’s right, Nashville. Where you can’t even buy wine at a grocery store. For the next seven years I couldn’t wait to get the hell back to Portland.

I am pagan. Wiccan, to be precise. But not in a cheesy Goth or hippie way. (Although I do have a little of both in me. My freak flag has many colors.)

I hate patchouli. But I love frankincense and opium (er, the incense) and I burn them all the freaking time.

I used to work at the Oregon Zoo. Not in a cool, elephant-back-scratcher or crap-shoveler capacity, but in a minimum-wage, a-monkey-could-do-your-job capacity. I met some really badass people there. I also met some real shitheads.

I shop at Torrid. I’d love to shop at alterna-trendy places like Buffalo Exchange, but those clothes don’t fit me. I’m a big girl.

This time last year, I had bright red hair. Now it’s black. I like black better. (It’s the color of my soul…)

My usual drink is a vodka cran. Well, vodka anything, really.

I took belly dancing classes for a while. I miss it.

I like seedy bars. I mean, really seedy bars. You won’t find me at the Doug Fir. Try The Matador instead.

My radio presets: KUFO, KGON, 94.7, Z100 and The Brew. I radio surf like a madwoman when I’m driving.

I marched in the Rose Parade all four years of high school. (That’s to establish my Portland street cred, by the way.)

I think that’s enough for now. I better stop before I start telling you about my seashell collection.

So you’ll call me? Wait, I haven’t given you my number yet!

I’ll be waiting…