I've Lost My Fear of Sinning

Deciding what haunted house to visit for Halloween is always a risky venture. Because really, that shit is so expensive these days it's almost impossible for places to deliver enough of a scare to make you feel your money was well spent.

My choice this year was easy, though. It was made for me the moment I heard about the Seven Deadly Sins house, put on by Darkest Dreams Entertainment. Lodged in the Pearl District, it promised "gore, nudity, torture, violence, perversion, discrimination, sexual content, and harsh language."

Well, sign me up. I'm there.

So last weekend, my girlfriend and I decided to check it out. We arrived in the Pearl to find a couple of tat- and metal-riddled fire dancers taking turns spinning their flames to a live band. After watching for a bit, it was time to go in and immerse ourselves in nastiness.

Here's how the website describes the experience (their caps, not mine):

A SERIAL KILLER HAS BEEN MASS
ABDUCTING PEOPLE FOR THE
SINS THEY HAVE COMMITED.

HIS WAREHOUSE HAS BEEN
DISCOVERED THOUGH NOT
ALL THE VICTUMS HAVE BEEN
ACCOUNTED FOR.

AUTHORITIES HAVE FOUND
EVIDENCE OF TORTURE
DEVICES, CANNIBALISM, AND
LEWD SEXUAL CONDUCT

Aaaand, here's what the actual 10-minute experience was like:

Ew.
Eew.
Eeeeeewwwww.
Arrrghhhhh run!!!!
Oh my god, look at his penis. Is that real?
Ok that one is definitely not real.
Is that thing really stuck up his...?
Wait, it's over?

So yeah. A lot like having sex with my last boyfriend. (Ba dum ching!)

Seriously though, folks-- I love, love, love the idea of mixing gore and scariness with perverted sexual torture. But I'm sorry, for twenty bucks you're going to have to give me more than one decent scare and a handful of bloody tits and penises.

I did actually quite enjoy the different scenes throughout the house. It was like a cross between Saw and Seven, only with everybody naked. And after we hit the first real scare, I was all warmed up and deliciously looking forward to the best that I was sure was yet to come. Had I known the first scare was also the last, I would have screamed a little louder.

On the upside, the haunted house exits into a dark little lounge where we were able to buy drinks, ogle a hot bellydancer, and sign up to win a free membership to Angel's sex club. So not a total wash.